Diary of Charles Etchison Lavender, MD, July 1, 1832 - July 15, 1833, Lowndes, Alabama http://files.usgwarchives.net/al/lowndes/bios/celavender2.txt ================================================================================ USGENWEB NOTICE: All documents placed in the USGenWeb Archives remain the property of the contributors, who retain publication rights in accordance with US Copyright Laws and Regulations. In keeping with our policy of providing free information on the Internet, these documents may be used by anyone for their personal research. They may be used by non-commercial entities so long as all notices and submitter information is included. These electronic pages may NOT be reproduced in any format for profit. Any other use, including copying files to other sites, requires permission from the contributors PRIOR to uploading to the other sites. The submitter has given permission to the USGenWeb Archives to store the file permanently for free access. This file was contributed and copyrighted by: Michael V. Sims ================================================================================ April 2002 Diary of Charles Etchison Lavender, M.D. 1832-1834 page transcribed by Michael Vaughn Sims from photocopy April 20, 2002 Diary Sylvan Grove, Lowndes Co. Alabama Commenced July 1st 1832 Sylvan Grove [July 1832] July 1st. How varied have been the scenes through which it has been my fortune of late to pass. What different emotions have pervaled [pervaded?] my breast within the last 24 hours. Scarcely yet has one day passed since this now pensive soul of mine, elevated on the soaring wings of imagination, has been wafted by the soft whispering vespers of retrospection, to far distant climes to far distant joys; while conscious reality slept and present prospects slumbered, have I basked for one flitting moment, in the sunshine of a luminary long since set, perhaps, ah could I evade the thought, perhaps to rise no more. There have I recounted the pleasures, the social enjoyment of bygone days, where pleasure chaste and pure was mine; where '[adhesiveness?] and all the social faculties had ample share of refined gratification.' How prone are we to discontentment in almost all conditions and under almost all circumstances, however pleasant however agreeable and delightful they may be. How transcendently beautiful these scenes appear, when viewed through the glass of time; how exquisitely delightful those social enjoyments that once were; how dear their recollection when past and gone. Like good wine they gain fresh charms from the decay of Time. These passing reflections are brought to my mind by the receipt of a letter from a most agreeable and interesting acquaintance, a kind and generous hearted friend for whom I shall ever entertain and cherish the highest esteem. How happy am I in possessing the friendship of one in every respect so amiable. The information I derive from the politeness of my worthy correspondent are truly agreeable and well timed. I had just finished a somewhat tiresome ride, partly through the low grounds, and partly beneath the umbrage of tall majestic pines. Directing my winged thoughts, which soon began to wander from the gloomy confines of their cells, solitude, gloomy prospects and the groans of the sick, to the contemplation of the beauties of nature spread in all their loveliness before me. On one side I beheld the pure rippling brook; while with admiration I contemplated the harmony and wisdom of those laws that brought these sweet limpid streamlets to behold the face of day, nourishing and invigoration organic creation, and again rolling on their vestal waters to join the mighty current. While on the other hand, decked in all their native beauty and sweetness stood the freshest and fairest of Flora's daughters to adore the hand that had spread in such copious effusion her richest beauties; and sighed to reflect how often they are "Doomed to blush unseen, and waste their sweetness in the desert air." Scarcely had I awoke from this reverie of thought, when I was presented with a letter from my valued friend Mrs. Clayton of Lexington Ky. An old miser was never better pleased at the acquisition of a guinea, than I was at the receipt of this letter. What pleasure in looking back upon many a social wintry night, after many a toil spent day. Friends of my soul what rapture so sweet in social enjoyment as would we such another evening passed with you. What a pleasing train of associated thought. How doubly dear is a friend in a strange land. The same mail brings me 2 other letters; one from my last winters friend and roommate Dr. Crasthwa[i]te, the other from my old classmate J. Davenport. The former a practitioner of medicine in Ten. the other now in Ala. University. Oh, my friends the scenes we have gone through together will endear your names to me forever, they are associated with the most interesting part of my life. The one the companion of my early youth, the other of my early manhood. The one my fellow laborer through academic lore, the other through the halls of the University. Heaven bless you my friends, and thanks for the inestimable privilege of epist. correspondc. This pleasing train of though[t] however is broken off by a call that brings me to my senses and my profession. Worse my condition than a common servant, must run at everybody's call; more noble however its object, the alleviation of suffering humanity. Instantly am I called to witness a gloomy scene. A doating companion, a fond mother lies full low, apparently near the portals of another world, feels the presages of eternity approaching. "Scorched with fever and racked with pain.' Friends and relatives sit mouring around in silent gloom, while three fair daughters, in agonising grief, recline their pensive heads, like weeping willows, around the bed of their suffering perhaps expiring Mother. This night it is my lot to sit by the side of the afflicted, watch over and alleviate the miseries of suffering humanity. 3rd. Lord preserve me from the sin of Ingratitude. What a beastly creature is man, at least some men. This morning waited on a man. May it be the last time I wait on such a beast. Owing to a difference of opinion and of practice in the world we had come to regard each other with a pretty cordial hatred, insomuch that we, like the mild gentlehearted comforters of poor old Job, could have sat together for 7 days and 'spake not a word.' Natural causes, however, brought it about (I don't believe in Supernatural or Contranatural causes,) that this son of a Gentile more than 12 months ago, by the fell enemy to [our?] human happiness and destroyer of human life the Autumnal fever. Being a Predestinarian, or at least pretending to believe in that most absurd and withering of all theologicial fallacies, Predestination, he believed that petitioning to a doctor to nullify the decrees of fate was a most shocking offence. He therefore for a time endured his pain with christian fortitude. Finally believing however, that fate was about to fix her irrevocable seal upon his destiny, he ditermined [sic] at all hazzards [sic] to make a disperate [sic] appeal. An appeal from the decree of [Antimonian?/Autinomian?] to the means of Armin--ies[Arminius?]. He accordingly dispatched messengers for medical aid. But alas all his efforts seemed to be frustrated by a firm decree. No such aid could be procured. Finally as a dernier resort I was called upon, to wrest from old Nick the honor of killing a rascal. What an enviable predicament am I now in. A man who, without a shadow of cause on my part, has attempted to injure me, whose vilest calumny has been hurled against my [faculty?], who has whetted away his own character in attempting to grind down that of his neighbors; this man now call[s] upon my professional aid, almost in the last article. If he die under my care, darkest calumny hurled from the bulworks [sic] of ignorance, prejudice, envy and hatred, from less mean relatives, if success attend my efforts, all credit not to say honor, will be hushed in forgetfulness. Errors will be imagined, and magnified, and in all probability myself insulted. Shall I lay myself liable to these things in thte first year of my professional career, as a Licentiate, in 21st year? Can I risk all this? No. But still listen to the voice of suffering Mortality. A fellow [worm?/swoons?] writhes in agony, that my profession was institut[ed] to relieve. A fellow being who feels the presentiments of another world; who sees weeping around his bed of suffering a bosom companion, sinking like the pale widow'd ivy from the emb[r]ace of which the sturdy oak has been snatched away. While his little children cling around their mother, or weep around their fathers bed, all dependent on him for subsistence, protection and education; this individual calls on my professional assistance. Can I withhold it? Can I sacrifice to personal motives the duties of med. profession? No! I'll give up all past animosity, sacrifice my own feelings to the cause of the afflicted. In doing my duty I'll honor my profession. A conscience void of offense will be my reward! With these thoughts I mounted my horse, and "sic[?] a night,["] as ne'er a sinner was abroad in. Nothing but strictest attention and unremitted exertion of skill marked my conduct towards that man. Night after night I watched over him ever ready to offer assistance and to ameliorate his sufferings. His condition required it. I was to him physician, nurse, and drudge. In fine I attended him as a brother. Not greatly to my credit but to the saving of my character, he finally recovered. After this his conduct to my face was marked with respect and friendship. A few days ago he informed me he was going to the east, asked me to come over and spend the night make settlement etc. Waited on him this morning. Met him as a sort of friend and presented my ac[c]t. He thought I had done mighty little and charged a great deal. I mustered up as much philosophy as possible. He urged my concession to things that I considered not only unworthy the dignity of the profession, but discredible to myself. I replied indignantly that I would crouch at the feet of no man, would court the favor of none; that no extemity could induce me to buy the friendship of a man; that altho' poor, I was independent of all but my friends and of couse asked him no favors. But he paid me for my smartness. Ransacked the pages of former disputes. Abused me under his own roof, or rather roof under which he staid [sic]. Yes, the first and yet the only abuse I ever received from man. Refused all modes of settlement. His rascality had rendered him independent of his creditors. He asked me no favors! Thus have I lost my time my labor and my expense, been abused, and what have I received in return? Not a cent for my trouble with a consciousness of having aimed aright, and that is more precious than any expression of gratitutude of pecuniary reward. 4th. A more pleasant scene opens today. Even before his usual time of rising, the shining luminary of heaven is aroused from his slumbers beneath the watery billows, by the loud roar of artillery; joyfully welcoming in the the [word repeated] glorious Anniversary of American Independence, and proclaiming freedom to a civilized world. At an early hour are seen going up to the place appointed, carts, baskets, and tubs with ample provisions. Soon are seen the "free citizens of the country," going up with merry hearts to celebrate the day. Waggons [sic] and carriages are on the road, filled with matrons and bonny lasses. Old men riding slowly along with smiling faces, talking of olden times and present prospects; their corn and cotton crops, etc. while the youth are seen reining up their ponies, with young hearts glowing with anticipated pleasure, hastening on to join the merry throng. At a distance is heard the gleeful and animating sound of music. The rattling drum, the shrill notes of the flagelet[?]. The star spangled banner floating proudly in the air. While each warm hearted youth grasps his firelock and falls into ranks, the fair ones assemble around the stand. The gallant bands march up while the distant hills and vales mutually reecho the confused sounds of neighboring steads, the rattling of drums, and roar of musketry. Now in martial array they encircle the stand. A halt is ordered by the martial of the day; when all at once as if by magic all is silent; not a sound is heard, save the distant echo as it dies away on the distant hills. All attention. All ears are open to hear of the gallant achievements of their noble venerated ancestors in the perilous days that tried the souls of men. After a tribute of praise and thanksgiving offered up to our kind preserver and almighty Benefactor, on the altar of Patriotic hearts; and the reading of the solemn Declaration, that proclaimed liberty to the captive and freedom to the oppressed; the orator of the day arose, and in the spirit of a true and youthful patriot poured forth a just and appropriate effusion of praise eulogy upon the heroes of '76. Breifly recapitulated the momentous struggle. Touched upon the late contest between Braitain [sic] and America. Panegyrised our present happy condition, our glorious prospects, "The prosperity of our agriculture, the success of our commerce, and the happiness of our people," (a toast by my respected father on this occasion) which was instantly cheered by heavy peals o' musketry; after after [word repeated] which 13 sentimental toasts were read, and cheered by the firing of a platoon to each. What a joyful scene now presents itself. Matrons with their little ones sitting under their rural bower, enquiring after each others health and prosperity, and talking over domestic affairs. Around in smiling attire were seated the lovely fair ones. Like vestal virgins, and as fair as Dian's nymphs, playfully indulging in innocent merriment, displaying all the charms of the rose and lily blended. While at the same time are seen the gallant beaux, most highly honored in handing water and wine, sweet beverages of nature, with many a flattering compliment to the fair guests. Here are seen assembled the old and sturdy farmers, the staff of the land, the bone and sinew of the repubick, some sitting on the trunks of fallen trees, others leaning on their staves; talking of the trying times, when the din of battle sounded in our land, then contrasting our present enjoyment. Some are speaking of their fine crops, their fine lands etc. Yonder is a group of youths and country bucks, shaking hands, eating cakes, passing jokes; talking of their sweethearts and boasting of their ponies. Here and yonder stands a stout looking politician, in the plain summer dishabille of peasants, with a circle of Native Freemen around him. Mark he is a candidate for their suffrage at the next election. He is the people's man, is ready to serve the sovereign People; he shakes hands with every man, is happy in the aquaintance [sic] of all. (Oh, a happy dog!) Speaks boldly his political views; takes all possible pains to prove to the People that his [words cut off] the very best, is a most generous hearted fellow, calls one and all to drink something with him, is a fine, a montrous fine fellow and wants the people to vote for him. In the meantime dinner, a free and public dinner, the Peoples hospitatlity is preparing. A long table is finely set off under a green native arbor, a shady grove. With due respect and every mark of rural politeness, the Ladies are first seated. Due attentions paid by the young gallants. Sweet meats, wines and delicacies are served up. Next to the ladies dure [sic] respect is paid to seniority and strangers. Dinner being over, and the ladies having withdrawn, wine and water assume the place of smoking viands. With joyful hearts we gather around the board of our country's bounty. Drink toasts, and chant hymns to the praise of our patriots and our sages, to our heroes, and to the prosperity of our beloved Country. This over we shake hands with each other, pass blessings. Mount our horses, and with gleeful hearts strike home to the tune of gratitude patriotism and friendship. At this simple picture, the Cynick may curl his satyrical [sic] lip, the friend and flatterer of aristocracy may laugh, and the calculating mysanthrope [sic] may smile. Yet those who understand so little of human nature, go laugh at Roman virtue. Let them scorn the name of Lacedemonian[?], and satyrise [sic] the simplicity patriotism, bravery and firmness of the Spartan land. Saturday July 8th An interesting Chapter in the great Book of Nature has been opened to me today, in which I have read a great deal of human character. At a Battallion parade the political stump has been warmly occupied. The great question Nullification versus Trariff [tarriff], has been thoroughly agitated. Now would rise a blustering politician (demagogue) and with all the stentorian eloquence of a Polyphemus, roars out for nullification. "Tear down the bulwork [sic] our northern despotic enemies have erected against us. Break asunder the servile chains they are forging for our necks. Make void the laws the general government has enacted. You are an independent nation. Make and break laws for yourselves. Regulate commerce, declare war, make peace for you are sovereign, every man of you. No danger of civil war. No danger of disunion. When they see you'r[e] resolute, determined they'll back out, they'll yield. They'll make a h-ll of a noise but they wont fight. Throw off then, I say, the heavy yoke of oppression. You now, my countrymen are suffering greater and more grievous oppression than any people beneath the sun Arouse and shake off the heavy chains." It is in vain that a patriotic philanthropist arises, with the once glittering but now rusty weapon of common sense, and portrays the happiness and prosperity of our country. Contends that rising up in armed opposition at a law of Congress regulating com[m]erce is a dangerous cource [sic] of conduct; that altho' the Tariff is in itself constitutional and proper, yet in its present form as it now exists, excessive and should be reduced by wise legislation. That it is absolutely necessary for the existence and prosperity of the States themselves that they remain United. They cry down his arguments and sage reasoning, as arising from want of energy and a disposition to Submit. A sentiment selected from the last words of our political father to his children, would now be hissed down in our popular assemblies! Good heavens! What are we coming to? My own humble opinion is, that the Tariff as it should be is a national blessing; but as it now exists oppressive and ought to be reduced. I believe it is the province of general government and not the states to regulate commerce. I believe she had raised the duties too high. I believe the existing tariff oppressive to the south. That we should remonstrate; that the states should do this in their sovereign capacity. Not as the Philadelphia Convention that was gotten up last Sept. In this way I believe they will be heard and answered by their fellow citizens in congress. I firmly believe, moreover, that the Tariff will shortly be modified. It is my own private opinion that many who are at the head of the nullification party, are influenced in their conduct vastly more by personal interest than any consideration for the good of the people. They mak[e] it a hobby upon which they dash under whip and spur into publick notice. Heap upon them the proud names of 'Sir general' or 'my Lord,' with an epaulette on their shoulder, a sword by their side, and their fellow citizens under their feet, and they would glory in going forth to batlle against their country! But take off their gaudy rigging, reduce them to the station of privates, with a musket on their shoulder and a knapsack upon their backs, and send them forth to brave danger, and endure hardships for "their beloved country," and you see them sneaking out of ranks. I firmly believe it. Hence this is a sentiment of mine. Nullification, a fiery little poney [sic] on which blustering demagogues ride into notice. If he should chance to stumble and fall, take care of your necks my boys! May the Genius of Wisdom, and the influence of common sense, patriotism, and philanthropy direct our people; and may mutual forbearance characterise the deliberations of our government! Sunday 8th P.M. Just returned from organizing a sabbath school, of which I had the honor of being chosen secretary. It is undoubtably [sic] an institution of primitive utility to society. Our prospects are somewhat promising. Were ably addressed by the superintendant, Hon. Judge Williamson. What a formidable front is presented by the combined influence of ignorance and prejudice, against useful knowledge, civilization and even morality itself. Many of my acquaintances who wear the lofty and reverend name of Christianity (worthily or otherwise I will not even here record my conjecture) but certain it is that many who profess the name of Christ, oppose by word and deed not only sabbath schools, but all other benevolent societies calculated to civilize and christianize our race; to alleviate the sufferings of humanity, and to carry the blessed gospel to heathen nations. Such persons, from the plentitude of a little mind, speak snearingly [sic] of Speculation etc. but when shown that they get more than the worth of the paltry sum in books, besides tuition that costs them nothing; They offer as an apology for not supporting the institution. That it is morally wrong, that it is taking the work of the Lord into our hands, that it is man's works. That if their children are the Lord's, he'll bring them in, or they may add, with swift in assigning a cause for drinking, "any other reason why." A more gross violation of common sense I have never known perpetrated. To support their opinions they are driven to the necessity of denouncing old Solomon as a fool, when he said, "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it." For my own part I believe it a good cause and am ready to embark on it. Believing as I do to be an institution calculated to do much good, to improve the state of society, and to put down immorality, and to implant in the minds of the rising generation, a proper respect and due reverence for the Sabbbath, I shall support the cause as far as consistant [with] my abilities and professional duties. July 9. This day have I witnessed for the first time my art outdone. This morning have seen for the first time a patient on whom I have attended close its eyes in death. At midnight was called to see a little girl, to all appearance fast approaching the brink of time. No remedies could prevail, no art could succeed. The grim messenger had arived [sic], his little victim must yield. Solemn thought that this so soon must be the fate of all living! Solemn indeed is the scene where death is busy. A scene I cannot attempt to describe. This day I saw the lady whose case was mentioned on the 1st. Has recovered rapidly. July 13th Ye harp striking bards that chant fair lovely womans praises, go admire the excellencies of the blended rose and lily; repair to the ballroom the assembly of the gay and cheerful. Admire all her beauty, her rosy cheeks, her lily hands, her ivory teeth, her auburn locks, her raven ringlets and golden tresses; her snow white bosom; her mind illuminated, face and symmetry of form; her soft enchanting graces and all that lovely woman means, and then acknowledge you never knew half her virtues, never saw half her loveliness, nor admired half her charms. No[w], modulate your lyre to a mournful lay and enter the chambers of the afflicted; surround the bed of the expiring fair; while hope lingers, the warmth of life expires, the damp of death glides softly and in mournful silence o'er. There behold angelic sweetness calmly lingering! Yes there have I beheld brighter charms, more exquisite beauty, grace and loveliness than poets in their most enraptured hours ever sung! July 14. Well, the mighty scourge of our race has at length approached our shores. "A mighty plague of more gigantic arm arose, a monster never known before reared from Cocytus its portentous head. It seems the gen'ral air from pole to pole, from Atlas to the East, is now at enmity with human blood." The far distant storm that has ravaged with [various?/arvious?] though too fatal course, almost every territory of the old world; has at length burst upon the shores of the new. In distant Asia this dreadful scourge was contemplated by us with curiosity. In the wilds of Russia with suspicion. In Europe with deep interest; but in America, in Canada we view it at this time with alarm. And we have reason awfully to fear, that we shall soon behold the enemy on our own soil with terror. For one month has it already been marching with rapid stride along the shores of the St. Lawrence; spreading in its course devastation and death! The political mania has in a great measure checkd. the cholera phobia in our country, while it has been showering its deadly blasts on our transatlantic brethren. The grim visage of this destroyer of our race on our own continent, its rapid strides and deadly ravages, will no doubt produce at least a temporary revulsion. Already do we see "Asiatic Cholera" and "News from Canada," beginning to occupy columns formerly dedicated to Nullification and the Tariff. Much do we hear of guards on the beach, armed men on the banks of the St. Lawrence, quarantines and sanitary cordons, the relics of barbarism founded on the doctrine of contagion which has for its supporter, like the despotism of Turkey, the tripple [sic] corded band of terror, ignorance and prejudice. As well and as reasonably may you expect to arrest the progress of the rising sun, and prevent the diffusion of his luminous rays over the continent of America, by planting your cannon on the shores of the Atlantic. As well may you attempt to chain the air, or command the winds, as by these means to oppose an obstacle to the march of the dreaded Enemy. His poisoned weapons will continue to fly thick and heavy through the air; but they may be warded off or blunted by "Cleanliness and Temperance in all things." July 18th. What? A letter from Profr. Caldwell? Yes very polite answer to my communication of 30 ult.[?] relative to phrenological works etc. My hearty thanks, greatest of medical philosophers, for your kindness. Here's another from my old melancholic friend J. W. [R?] M. D. ha, ha, ha! his style is amusing. thanks to my lucky stars for such friends. 19. But curse such enemies as these; at least with all due deference to sage reason and better council. I say curse, not their souls if they have any, for their poor, good for nothing, ugly sneaking bodies, but their mean [illegible] lived disposition. My good fortune, for such I must acknowledge it, seems to be raising me a little superior to my puny pucylanimous [sic] plough boys, now grown up like great squabs to the full bulk but not the shape of men, with the low, blasted, illbegotten minds of bastard boobies; into whose wise noddles [sic] has crept the wond'rous whim that I've got proud and must be brought down altho' they are calling daily for favors which are never denied. Poor diminutive souls! It would not require analysis in a crucible, but merely a hatchet and common optics to demonstrate by actual observation, what every man of sense would guess, every philosopher believe, and every phrenologist (who knows more of man than all besides) would swear, that the crazy capital of your crooked, twisted spinal column, instead of organized brain, is filled with nothing in comparison, under heaven but a clumsy mixture of saw dust hog's lard and molasses. The poor, dwarfish, cheqer's [sic] eye of a soul that inhabits it, could build a city inhabitable by its own species in the hull of a tobacco seed. Here one of them, poor devil, wonderfully exalted has got to be "capn. of a foot." Mighty hero, Big Warrior! Extraordinary man, almost my lord; Who thinks, poor imp, if he is capable of a thought, that if he were in Washington, which [he?] hond. ignoramus, would a[s] soon think of finding in the moon as on the earth, yes if he could get up there he'd sit by side the hero of Orleans, his brother officer. This poor d--l I repeat sent one of his imps over this morning, with a note, which he has no doubt lost a week's howing [sic] to have written, to command me to a court martial tomorrow 10 miles off, to answer as I imagine, for the poor fool did not say, for calling him Jim instead of captn! or for something as foolish. And yet this is all under the authority of the law which he has got hold of as no man would have it, to put me to trouble, to bring me down! What, quit my business, and go 10 miles to meet a baboon with a sword instead of a tail! No, I'd rather hear of him in a warmer climate, than see him at the doggery. Genius of Liberty! When will our people put men into our little offices, instead of bobtailed monkeys? Therefore I repeat cursed be the foolishness of fools, and the rascality of mean men. [August 1832] August 3. There are things that I love to record. 'Tis pleasant to dwell upon the charms of innocence, upon the enchantments of beauty, the worth of virtue. But ah, my pen trembles in my hand when I see those lovely charms thus blighted in the bud! To see loveliness and innocence expire together, and every angelic charm vanish from the cheek of beauty, like the rainbow from the passing cloud. One moment the emblem of beauty, purity and loveliness, the next of sadness, darkenss, and dispair. August 4. This day have I pas'd the place where she once dwelt, whom I once thought virtuous amiable and worthy to be admired; But alas she was not there. My tenderest emotions what were your anguish, here where twelve short months ago, I loved to pass the cheerful evening in merriment and innocent amusement, there is nothing lovely, nothing to delight, nothing to charm. The lovely rose that once that once [words repeated] displayed its blushing hues to gentle zephyrs; that imparted fresh sweetness and life to the atmosphere around . . . is nip't in the bud, has prostituted all its charms to - - oh folly! folly!! folly!!! Reflection, cease to recount the pleasures of the past. Imagination, recoil from thy busy workings among the once happy scenes of former times. Happy! yes happy once was she, when a few months since her misguided father removed with fair fame to a neighboring ville. The mother was seized with affliction, languished, and died; the father became intemperate and careless of the welfare of his family; an assassin of female virtue offered his consolations, and under the fatal mask of friendship, sought her ruin! What punishment is due the crime of him who would trifle with the affections, and betray the confidnece of a lovely unsuspecting girl! But he who perpetrated the crime is a manly youth, a man of honor, he must have to[o] much principle thus to act. He must have but then is she the more guilty oh no she cannot be! She once was innocent. Cease my thoughts! Oh, the folly, the folly of youth!! Utter destruction awaited the family. Dishohored they left the country. He became a bankrupt, and the[y] say almost deranged retired to obscurity. July 1834. August 5. Well, I guess I look pretty blue this morning, after riding last night 10 miles through thick and thin, creeks and slues, swamps and hills. Both knees bruised by the reaction of the sturdy oaks of the forest and beeches of the swamps, upon which I was to[o] unfortunate to intrude in my excursions. More than once was the indignity offered to the lawful tenants of the soil, pertly retorted by a severe blow over the head. But the reward I have found in giving ease to the suffering, and health to the afflicted. But I must rub up for Church. Thursday, August 9th 1832. The dawn of this bles'd summer's morning ushers in my Natal day. Two and twenty years have rolled away since that b[l]essed day that gave me birth. Yet two and twenty years have I been an humble actor in my humble sphere, on the busy theatre of human transactions. How fleeting have been these years! how short the time. 'Twas but yesterday the great moralist Time passed by, and beheld me an helpless infant, under the bower of peace and tranquility, rocked in the cradle of innocence, and fed upon the manna that kind heaven bestowed. Twenty two full rounds that sleepless time has made since I have had a being on this sulimary orb, have witnessed my actions, and recorded the various scenes through which I have passed. Since I have lived, one full third of the space allotted to a common man's existence has rolled along down the stream of time and is lost in the never ending ocean of Eternity! One long stride have I taken towards that bourne from which no traveler has ever yet returned. Not more than two more yet can I promice [sic] myself; perhaps not so much. Solemn though! If the time allotted for my sojourning here be so short, should I not eagerly enquire what is its object? what the business I am placed in this world to perform? and how diligent should I be to accomplish that end. Under these considerations how can I better employ this to me sacred day, than by taking a brief survey of my past life, and in contemplating my prospects with reference to the great end of my existence. From my earliest recollection have I had a consciousness of the existence of a Supreme Being; to whom I was endebted not only for every good and perfect gift, but even for life itself, and for my very being! Whether this consciousness was innate or derivative, I am hardly able to say. Being educated under the Baptist order of Christians, I enjoyed not all the advantages of that early education that fall to the lot of children of most other denominations. Yet I shall never cease to be penetrated with the profoundest gratitude for the early instruction of an affectionate and pious mother; from whom, most likely, I derived my first ideas of a Deity, and a knowledge of right and wrong. A knowledge, of which I can not recollect ever to have been destitute. How or when precisely I learned the the [word repeated] tenets of the Christian religion, that I was possessed of an immortal soul that was condemned to die, which a Saviour died to redeem from misery after death, and that I must pray to my heavenly parent to forgive my bad words and deeds, I am entirely unable to say. It must however have been at a very early period. I recollect very distinctly these impressions in, I think, my sixth year. About that time or a little later, it was my constant habit, as I thought it a sacred duty I owed to my heavenly parent, to retire every evening from my playmates, to my bedchamber or some other secret apartment, and there kneeling to return thanks to that Deity who made and preserved me, and to ask his mercies and blessings on my self my father and mother, my brothers and sisters, my friends and all mankind. These I yet believe, were the most acceptable offerings I ever mad[e] to the God of heaven. Oh! that my increasing years and augmented obligations, had increased my offerings and fervent love to my God! The warmth of my feelings and the gayety of my disposition however, often made me err, which never failed to cast me a sorrowful reflection; because I felt that I had offended against a good and gracious being, to whom I owed my very existence, and to whom I had to account for my action. This I have never doubted. Often have my evil thoughts and wicked actions caused me to weep. Often have I prayed for pardon for the hope of the christian. At many periods of my life have I for days and weeks together retired and poured out my supplications before a throne of grace, yea thrice a day. Often felt relieved and comforted; yet often have I besought God to forgive the sinfulness of my prayer. Long and fervently, if my heart deceive me not have I desired to know that love and faith that casteth out all fear, and surpasseth all understanding. Often would I be willing to give up all things, and follow him who 'spake as never man spake' yet again I beheld so much beauty in natures works that I longed to contemplate them more; or my wicked inclination pursues the blazing meteor of pleasure, or teads the slippery paths of folly. Even farther still, some sceptical notion often possesses my thoughts, and steals away my better devotion. Will an Omnipotent and all wise Deity, whose love for man, even while in rank rebellion and debths [sic] of wickedness, gave up his only begotten Son to suffer bleed and die to reclaim him, will he yet sink that puny being into eternal despair and wretchedness! Must poor unfortunate man, possessed as he is of principles that lead him astray, and passions wild and turbulent as the mountain streams, must he for not chaining those passions, and for giving to[o] loose reins to those propensities with which the hand of nature has endowed him, I say must he for this be cast down into utter and eternal perdition; to live an eternal death? Merciful God! Why then was I born? What the end of my existence here? Without my agency am I in this world. And hast thou decreed me to eternal woe, eternal woe, [words repeated] do what I may, when Jesus died for sinners like me? And can I , who have no influence over my existence, who cannot make one hair of my head white or black, can I by anything that I can do, work myself to Heaven or Hell? Can I believe it? To a higher, and wiser and better power than mine, rests my future destiny. He who brought me into the beautiful world, so admirably constructed to enjoy all its sweets, will, if it please his gracious and almighty will, when I am done with this world, translate my winged spirit to another world of light as far superior to this, as this is to that world of nonentity in which I was 30 years ago. With him then is the event! What then is my business here? To prepare or to be prepared for a better state of existence. To benefit my fellow mortals. To practice every virtue and live in the atmosphere of morality. Oh virtue thou handmaid, thou sister of our holy religion, be thou ever my companion. And thou mortality, thou twin sister of virtue and everything amiable, be thou dearer to me than woman's love. Then shall I be thrice blessed and doubly happy. And then, altho' scorners may boast, and slanderers calumnate, my conscience will be [illegible] of offence. With cheerfulness will I labor all the day[s] in my benevolent profession, and calmly lay me down at night to repose free from all unhallowed thoughts, or troubled dreams. August 10, 1832 A new year of my existence has commenced. The last vesper breezes say an eternal requiem to my 22nd year. Time is ever on the wing and appears to me to increase in velocity the farther she flies. How short appears the past year, yet how many varied scenes have I passed through since it began its round. The last may be considered the most important of my life. With it are blended many a fond recollection, many a warm cherished idea, and many an anxious moment. But they have sunk to rest in the bosom of the past, they have mingled with the things of former times, they are gone forever, they are numbered among the things that were, among those that are not. But another year is born, yet big with events which yet lie concealed in the womb of futurity. May I act well my humble part; and should it be my last may my conduct be such as to merit a grateful recollection. Spirit of all that's good be my constant companion and direction through this and subsequent years!! August 18th. Well, my professional business drives on pretty well. Day before yesterday, I was honored with a call some 10 miles, to a wealthy family. Not however into the big house. The self esteem of a young member of the profession must be prepared not to be shocked at, but often to be proud of a call even to the kitchen. Two of my dear professional Brethren of high respect have just visited the family before me to different patients however. Mine I have the satisfaction to find are already recovering. Altho' the step be low it may yet be a prelude to a higher gradation. At least it shall be so if close attention to business and my professional attention can ought avail. My anticipations were fully realised [sic]. Aug. 26th. Can it be education alone that has wrought such a wide difference between the faith and practice of different individuals? If so spirit of virtue and morality preserve my - - ; if Heaven should ever think proper to entrust to my charge so precious a charge, from the tutorage of a certain divine not a league from my office. Yes a preacher of the gospel, at least so styled, and of whom his own people speak highly; yet I repeat from the pupilage of that man, my prayer is for mine to be preserved, at least in one important matter. With regard to the Sabbath. That institution which Holy writ has commanded us to remember and keep holy. While he is in bold opposition to the sabbath school, which we have lately instituted, in precept; his baneful example goes far not only to confront our honest designs, but even to instil[l] into his own and ignorant neighbor's children, principles not only hostile to the divine institution of the sabbath, but in bold and daring array against the laws and institutions of morality, civilization and common sense. One simple fact before my eyes today, has elicited these remarks. As we passed on to our sabbath school this morning, as we do honestly believe to aid in promoting the cause of civilization, morality, and religion, without fee or pecuniary reward, a free will offering for the improvement and benefit of our neighbors' children, in the creek and on its banks were to be seen the marks in mud and sand, of this pious (?) individuals children while rabbit hunting or fishing, their frequent if not usual Sabbath's employment. And all this if not by the direct at least by the indirect encouragement of a parent and he too, a minister of the gospel. Is such conduct compatible with strict morality, with true piety? I will indulge no uncharitable reflection. Charity believeth all things. There are seeming incompatibilities in nature. None real exist. A more pleasant theme however for my contemplation offers itself in the in the [words repeated] Sabbath school. In presenting and recommending to the tender minds of sweet little innocents, which the divine redeemer of our race has deigned to bless, the first principles of science, morality, and piety, is truly a pleasant task, or indeed it is more of a pleasure than a task. In such employment this day I do believe I have enjoyed more real satisfaction than could be offered by all the scenes of amusement and sport. Higher faculties have been employed. All the moral organs of my brain have been happily impressed; without detracting from the pleasures of other faculties of that great and complex organization. This is pleasure without alloy. Either I must be differently constituted from most most [word repeated] persons, or a long continued habit of meditation and severe study has wrought a remarkable change in my constitution. For I had rather for my own enjoyment attend and be engaged in a sabbath school properly conducted, than to enter into all the amusements of the Ball Room. [September 1832] September 13th 1832. No rest for me. Here I've been posting about for many days and many nights, through mud and rain, bogs and slews, sick and tired, half my time scarcely able to ride. Set out this morning on my daily circuit. Been all the morning in the frigid region; shivering with cold, now fast hastening to the tor[r]id. A hot ride through the prairies - - Head ach[e] - - back ache - - miserable sensations, hor[r]id feelings - - Fever rises higher and higher - - can't go it long. Sept. 28th "I've seen you weary winter sun Twice forty times return And every time has added proof That man was made to mourn." Yes, man was made to mourn; neither have I been exempt from his lot. Scarcely yet am I able to raise my emaciated frame from the bed of misfortune languishing and pain. For two weeks together have I borne the severe rod of affliction. Spirit of patience enable me to bear it calmly. No sooner had I returned Home, my little fortune in a bony case, and hard to come at without money and greatly in debt, and no possible means of liquidation than my own exertions and success in my profession; beginning to find my way into the favor of "sovereign people;" the sickly season coming on, time being worth to me from 10 to 20 dolls. a day; than behold I am knocked up with the prevailing fever. Yes, for two long weeks have I lain scorched up with fever, and writhing under pain, while not a day passed without a demand for my services. 'Oh Tempora.' Hear me miserum[?]. But why should we poor mortals pine at little misfortunes, or complain of little sufferings that fall to the lot of every one. Every one magnifies his own misfortunes above those of his neighbor. [The following quotation is written in Latin, which I do not understand, so errors in transcription are bound to predominate. - MVS] "Nemo quan sibi sortem sen ratio dederet, sen fors objecuit, illa contentus vivat, lament diversa sequentes. O, forunati mureatores! Gravis animis miles ait, multo gani fractus me--bra[?] a labore. Contra, mereator, navim juctantitius austris. Militia est patror." Not exactly so with me, altho my lot seems to be hard; yet I know it is enviable to the lot of many, yet the litt[l]e satirist does not at me wholly escape, I am not contented. Devoutly thankful should I feel to the all wise Diposer of events, that my lot is no worse; for now am I again able to mount my horse and go forth to the alleviation of the afflicted, in the use of those means which heaven has ordained and provided. May I never cease to be grateful for favors past, and blessings bestowed by that all wise and all merciful power that bestowed them. [October 1832] October 10. After a long and tiresome day's ride through rain and prairie mud, I have at last reached my humble roof. Late at night, dark and dreary without, and solitary within; feverish and downcast, and no one to offer a word either of consolation or rebuke. I write. Five weeks have now past [sic] since I left my bed of sickness to attend the calls of my profession. During that time but one day of rest from never ending drudgery has fallen to my lot. Such protracted fatigue, exposure, and debility have nearly worn me down. The family having all removed to the Campground, in solitude I lay me down to court the gentle godess, and give myself up to "tired nature's calm restorer.["] Balmy sleep. Oct. 11. Passed a feverish and restless night. Scarecly able to mount my horse and repair to the campground. After hot coffee, feel much better. A new and more pleasant scene just opened. Like the old Jews who went up yearly to Jerusalem to worship, man and beast, having laid aside their works for a season; are coming up to the place appointed. Every path, road and highway is crowded with the plebian multitude. Some on foot, some on horseback, some in oxcarts, and some in carriages. With gladdening hearts and joyful countenances they greet each other by shaking hands. Men women and children are seen flocking to their tents, which stand in regular file around the publick square; near the centre of which like a house of state is seen securely inclosed [sic] the preacher's tent. Near one corner stands the arbor, and at the lower end the stand or rostrum. This is the place appointed for the convenience of divine worship. Around which, after setting in order their household and kitchen furniture, assemble the congregated multitute. "It is appointed unto all men once to die." The validity of this awful annunciation we see fully substantiated in the occurences of every passing day. Not only are the aged and infirm, whose lives have run the ample round of three score years and ten, doomed to moulder in the dust. But we are often called to witness the young and vigorous, in the midst of their days, their prospects and their pleasures, hurled from the brink of time, and plunged [into] the vast ocean of eternity! How solemn the consideration. We too must die! Such are the thoughts that force themselves upon our minds, on receiving information of the death of our old friend and schoolmate Wm. W. Posey M.D. of South Carolina. In our early youth we met and in the scenes of Rocky Spring Acadamy [sic], was cherished our mutual friendship. Together did we toil through two successive winters in Transylvania University. Together did we pursue our medical studies; and finally together were we rewarded with the honors of our alma mater. Again had many a mile steached [sic] a lengthened chain between us. Each had gone into the world to seek and to make his fortune by an honest pursuit of an honorable profession. But, alas, in the midst of prosperity and in the blaze of flattering prospects, my youthful friend is called to his long[?] home! Farewell, my friend!! Altho thy brightened prospects, and the fond hopes of thy relative and friends, must sink with thy cold clay beneath the silent sod, thy memory will be cherished and thy virtues remembered. If there be a future state of existence, and heaven for bid that any should doubt it, sure from it an honest virtuous man has nothing to fear. Then altho' we lament thy loss, although we mourn and our hearts sicken at the thought of thy untimely fate, yet art thou happy. With a pure mind and an untarnished reputation thou hast bid this world adieu! Adieu to all the pains and sorrow of mortality, to all the troubles and turmoils of terrrestiral existence. May we remember that we too must shortly follow thee and may we live as we would wish to die! Soon shall we meet the[e] on the shores of another world. May our immortals there stand washed in the blood of the lamb, and purified by the merits of the great redeemer. Sylvan Grove. November 6th 1832. Nov. 6th. Can't stand it. For 2 long days old Phebus has not deigned to shew his face. Yes for 2 full days of rainy, no, not exactly rainy but damp, drisly, wet, disagreeable, miserable, gloomy, hor[r]id weather. Just such a time as the busy blue devils, like lobsters in muddy water like to cut their capers. Old Nature herself seems puzzled to know whether to rain or not. Mud and water below, clouds and mist above, and fog and gloom and the blues all around. A day that would fill London with suicide. Any thing but solitude in damp, dull, gloomy weather I can bear. The cold northeastern blast, altho, by no means an agreeable visitor, within doors can be easily borne. The driving snowstorm has something attendant upon it romantic and poetic, such a prospect I delight to admire. The thunderstorm I can bear with patience. In it there appears something grand and picturesque. The slowly rising cloud, like some dark blue mountain at a distance, rolling up its curling billows higher and higher; the vivid flashes of lightning flashing along the dark expanse; the solemn roll of the distant thunder. While nearer and more near its appoach is announced by forked flashes through the ether, and deafening peals of thunder loud and shrill; and [the] crash of many an aged tree, whose giant frame and iron constitution had braved the shock of many a winter blast; as if the elements enraged had descended with weapons in hand to chastise her sturdy [bows?]. These are things not only bearable, but on which I delight to gaze, and to admire in contemplating the mighty works of Nature. But where can imagination itself find a resting place on such a gloomy foggy atmosphere as this. She sallies out like Noah's dove, but finds not a place to rest her foot. Knows not whither to direct her course. Returns stupid and weary to cell; without a single new or pleasing idea to reward her toil. Here am I like a diminutive dormouse, stowed away for the winter solstice; crib'd up in my shop. But instead of slumbering away the time in ease and quiet, like that happy little creature; here I am a miserable wretch from whom sleep's slumber[s] fly, and to whom rest and ease have long been strangers. Add to all this that here I have been nearly 2 months not a day has passed over my head without bringing with it in greater or less degree the dire effects and wo[e]ful sensations of that fell poison marsh miasm[a]. What a long, lank, sallow countenance is that before me? Can it be mine? Cover your faces ye impertinent myrrors [sic]; why reflect so ugly a picture? Why inflict more pain on its possessor? But this is not half the bored phalanx of rueful countenances that rise up in array before me, to agravate [sic] my afflictions. Here am I at 22, in early youth, and upon my first legs; just turned out into the world to seek my fortune when every nerve should be exerted and every faculty alive, here I am I say with a long beard, red eyes, nose like a promantory projecting between two lofty peaks, in fine a long wrinkled face. Cooped up forever like a hermit in recluse; in the ignorant wilderness; no school, no churches worth the name, nor sources of mental improvement. No desire for useful knowledge. Self and money predominant passions. The very dark Corner. Ignorance like darkness visible. Spirit low, nothing to raise them. Can't stand it much longer, I tell you. Dec. near last. Health having again returned to our country, which gives me leisure, and fine weather having invited me forth, it came into my head to pay a visit to my old friend and preceptor. As blushing aurora greeted the western hills, I arose and entered on my journey. The day was fine, tho' pierced by northern breezes, wafted o'er many a forest [bound?] hillock. As bright Phebus raised his shining car high above the eastern horison [sic], his cheering beams seemed to pierce the recesses of my thoughts and to dispell the cloud that had long rested there. Thus liberated my meditations began to rove at large on things past and things to come, seldom interfering with the present. As the day advanced scenes presented themselves that called forth a mingled emotion. Here once more after a lapse of nearly 5 years, I saw before me the place of my richest enjoyment, the pleasant bowers of Manningham, and the delightful groves and shady [lawns?/banks?] of Poplar Spring. But oh how changed. How altered from what they once were. Here where once was the academic cite, crowded with sturdy youths, blooming damsels, and playful children, now dilapidated ruins. One lonely dome remaining to tell, 'ubi Troja fuit[?].' The little hills that once smiled at the presence of merry youths, and reechoed the cheerful notes of sportive school boys, now are strip[p]ed of all their charms, covered with yellow sedge. While the gloomy silence is interrupted by no other sound than that of shrill winds of winter whistling through the lovely pines. As the retiring sun approached the western hills, I drew near the place which once I claimed as my home, and the scenes that once caused my heart to palpitate with pleas[ure] and swell my bosom with delight. Here strangers now dwell, and where dwelt those whose friendship I once was proud of and at the home of her whose presence once filled my soul with raptures sweet. . . no one appear'd to greet me. All nature seemed to conform to the gloominess of my soul. The yellow leaves of autumn, the decay of vegetation, the former fruitful fields, stript [sic] of all their verdure, the hollow murmurs of the bleak north winds, the loneliness of the place, all conspired to highten [sic] the gloominess [of] the surrounding prospect. The range of my wandering thoughts I shall not attempt to follow. Strange what time can do, what changes time can bring about. Dec. 31. Oh, Bulwer[?] what thou has represented in fiction has foundation in reality. The heart sickening emotions of perverted fraternal affection; harrass my very soul, and wither all my joys. Oh Morton, envy not my feelings. Thy station and prospects in life enabled the[e] to shake from thy recollection for a time at least, those wo[e]ful feelings of fraternal discord, which at this moment near my very life's enjoyment, and cloud the very atmosphere of my existence. Tears and entreaties reasoning and remonstrance, and highest provinces, have not been able to eradicate from a brother's mind that prejudice and even hatred to his best friends and nearest relatives, yea instilled in unguarded childhood's hours, when from home at school, by the worst of men and most abominable of hypocrites; sanctioned and confirmed by the smooth tongue and polished face of a designing daughter. Supposing most satisfactory advice flowing from evil motive. Alas, the indulgence of parents. Alas the credulilty and fall of youth, the ruinous effects of the designing and last of all the dawning consequences of following the blind cupids after a wild meteor of fancy, or a worse meteor of sense, through enchanted mazes, where darkness reigns, yea gross darkness, that darkness that can be felt. Oh ye star[r]y and resplendent canopies of heaven, what in all the wide circle of your expanded view have you beheld more beautiful than the love of those whose ties are knit by nature, and whose union seems ordained to begin from the very moment of their birth. But, oh, what more lamentable than to see that love perverted, that affection drowned in the troubled waves of discord. Such reflections wound me. Such scenes pierce me to the heart. But hush, and hope and pray for better things. Oblivion, veil with thy dark mantle our past dissentions. Engulph [sic] them in the midst of Lethe's waves! December 31st 1832. At night. Another year has passed. The year, 1832 is about to launch into eternity. Time flies on eagle's wings. 'Twas but yesterday I witnessed the birth of a new year; tonight I listen to its funeral knell! Yet in that short space of time what mighty events have agitated the world. How many thousands of human beings have been brought into existence, and how many thousands have been hurried out. To myself many unfortunate events have occurred. Variously checkered has been my course the expiring year. With honors I have received rebuke, with prosperity afflictions have been mingled, sorrows have marred my joys, and pleasures have been mingled with pain. All of which are now numbered with things that are not. What events are in the womb of futurity to be brought forth the ensuing year is beyond the power of human ken. Where I may be and what may be my fortune in 1833 is a subject of distant conjecture. May heaven grant me wisdom and understanding to direct my course aright. May I live a better life and be more useful to others as well as to mysef, than during the year that is just gone. May I be more guarded in word and conduct. May I live with reference to another state of existence, and be better prepared to meet the solemn change. How thankful and exceedingly grateful ought I to be to that all beneficent hand that has conducted and preserved me through the year that is past and gone. Great and manifold beyond my deserts have been the favors bestowed on me. Spirit of widom, meekness, Holiness and Divine love be my stay and support in trouble and affliction. My guide my staff and shield in difficulties and dangers, and that not only through the ensuing year, but through subsequent life. And now in closing my eyes in sleep I must bid an eternal farewell to one thousand eight hundred and thirty two.