1844-1846 Anne Susan Jumper's Diary edited by Mona Ann Ervin (file2.txt) Courtesy of Androscoggin Historical Society teacher. The lady herself met us at the door and showed us into the parlor where sat her niece, Miss Adela H. and a Miss Hubbs, one of Adela's two "bright particular stars." In a little while a sister of "Aunt Alma" as Miss Cross was designated, came in and helped on the socialability. For my own part however, I felt particularly unconversationable and was glad to escape to a quiet little chamber which assigned C. and myself. For the afternoon we went to meeting accompanied by Aunt Alma, Aunt Hannah, Miss Hubbs and Miss Haskell. The meeting HU interesting when I could arouse my insupportably dull senses enough o realize it, but I felt really guilty that I could appreciate it no more. The evening meeting we did not attend as C. was unwell and it was dark and raining. At an early hour we retired - about 8. C. assigned herself to the care of Morpheus20 while I listened and tumbled and vexed myself with imaginary ills until eleven when I too dropped asleep. In the morning we rose in season to walk on the house- roof a little while before breakfast, from whence we had a most splendid view. The sun shone in all its splendor and not a cloud was in sight. The wind breezed freshly and we went down quite invigorated by our morning promenade. After breakfast we called on E, Anne, and took her as an escort about several streets which we had not visited. We called at Mrs. Moody's where we saw Mrs. Goddard, mother of Charles William G. of whom I have heard cousin L speak so frequently. We also called at two jewelers shops but without accomplishing our purposes. At the bookstore of Wm. Hyde, I purchased an album with a part of Mrs. H's gift and a blank book. Clara and myself then proceeded to meeting while E. Anne returned. We listened for the remainder of the forenoon to Mr. Freeman, pastor of the Abyssinia Church,21 his discourse was good and had our eyes been closed we could not have supposed him to be a Negro. At noon, went with Miss Haskall and a Miss Puttman to visit the graveyard. We stayed but a little while - not half as long as I wanted to, but we could not stay longer. We saw the monument of Rev. Dr. Payson 22 - it was a sort of cone, I believe of white marble. The only eulogy was " His reward is in Heaven." In the afternoon we again went to meeting and listened to a fine discourse by Mr. Lundit. The sacrament was after administered by Messrs Williams and Blake. In the evening Misses H.B. Cross and Roxanne Chapin contributed each a trifle to my Album, after which we attended Miss C. to Mr. Cummings - One thing I had quite forgotten. When we returned from meeting - about twilight we found the Misses Cross and Chapin ready for a walk to the rail-road Depot - whither we accompanied them - and saw many things that were quite "new, strange and wonderful." We walked over the bridge on "the tracks" to see the canal and lock, tho' not without fear on my part lest the cars should overtake us. However there was no danger, for we arrived home in safety after a few minutes brisk walk. After Miss Chapin's departure, Miss Haskall returned, added another contribution to my Album, after which we began to be a little more conversationable and formed a little more acquaintance with her. We soon retired however and after remarking and commenting upon the scenes of the day we resigned ourselves to "evening's shady slumbers." In the morning we again went out shopping, with Mr. Jones. After concluding our purchases he asked if we could find our way home alone. "0, yes - we knew the way - we had traveled it two or three times - we knew the way well enough." However, we had never gone up on that side of the street, and not withstanding our self-conceit we soon found we were wrong. Well back we went and turned two or three times but all would not do - we were decidedly wrong. At length we found the same walk on which we started and then [AT THIS POINT THE NEXT TWO PAGES ARE TORN OUT] 20. - Have listened to-day to two excellent discourses, extemporaneous from Mr. 51 S.W. With the forenoon's I was particularly charmed. It was so congenial to my feelings and I wished to engrave each word on my heart. Mr. W. is just now peculiarly competent to the work of searching out the wisdom of God even in affliction, having but three days since lost his only earthly parent. He felt deeply as well he might. 0, what agony is there in watching over the bed of a dying parent, but still more in being absent when such an event must take place - withheld from the last embrace, seeing not the last look of love, blessed with no last word of counsel, no last adieu, oh, it were a bitter, bitter lot! Yet God can sustain and he will do it even in the last hour. [THE NEXT THREE LINES ARE NOT LEGIBLE AS THE PAGE IS TORN] THIS IS A CONTINUATION FROM THE PREVIOUS TORN PAGE. THREE LINES DISCUSSING SOME DISTRESS ARE MISSING] It perplexes me beyond measure -- but God has suffered it and to Him I leave it. He will do right. May He soothe the emotions of each heart and grant that we may meet in Heaven - and again on earth if it be best, even many times and may I have an opportunity of expressing my gratitude and affection for all their kindness. I would not have him or theirs deem me ungrateful - but I will trouble and vex myself no more. Let the event rest. In the end it will come out well and let me quietly wait for the fulfillment. Oct. 26th - Have spent the past week very happily with my beloved C. - so happily that I had almost forgotten my sadness at parting with my cousins. But it will come - that thought - it is agonizing. I have parted with dear C. with no expectation of seeing her again on earth and now... [THE REMAINING THREE LINES ARE NOT LEGIBLE AS THE PAGE IS TORN] THE FOLLOWING IS A NEW PAGE, IT MAY OR MAY NOT BE PART OF THE ABOVE ENTRY] Oh, my God! Must I say this? Oh, must I give up all hope of spending an eternity with them? Oh! it is hard, seemingly, but God does right and I would be grateful that in this thing I have been enabled to do my duty, though it was in some measure grievous. I thank God for being enabled to do right, and pray that we may serve God here, tho'far severed in life and be prepared to meet in Heaven. This evening I have received a short visit from my beloved cousins L. and J. My dear cousins - who have been as brothers, I grieve in their afflictions, but most of all that their sorrows do not lead them to Christ. Poor L. indeed hopes that his peace is made with God, but I mourn that he should adopt such a fearful error as that of Universal Salvation.23 I pray God that he may see his error before it may be too late. But my dear, kind cousin J. 0, is it indeed a hopeless thing to pray longer for him? Must I think that I shall never see him in Heaven? 0, dear, deluded cousin, would that I might lead thee to that fountain of Living water that cleanseth from all sin. 0, would to God that I might see into the secrets of his heart and know if indeed he never thinks of his undying soul. Would that I might learn the state of his mind. He appears always thoughtless - oh, can it be that he will never see his own heart as it is and the fearful error that he has nearly adopted. Oh, my God, I will not leave praying for him - but will thus give me more earnestness- more devotedness to Thy cause and strengthen me to do Thy will - to set a good example before him and may some event soon arouse him from slumber and force him to Thy word; oblige him to flee to Thee for refuge. If no other way will do it, oh force him thither. 0, my God, I wait for thy word. 52 28.- To-day cousin P. came to spend the week with me - rather unluckily, as we creatures of earth would say, but I feel that it is well tho' human eyes would have ordered it otherwise I suppose. Tomorrow if nothing happens I shall go to Lewiston to spend the week with Mrs. L.24 - and be a poor sewing-girl in the halls of the rich. I know not how I shall brook the treatment I may receive, nor with what eyes I may be looked upon, but I hope I may be enabled to maintain a reasonable share of independence, prudence, wisdom, dignity etc., etc., and trust in God to give me these and all other requisites. He has made me of the same clay but if He has ordered it that I shall be despised for the poverty that he in his wisdom has given me, it is just, but He is the orphan's God and will sustain me, and I trust, keep me in the strict path of rectitude and virtue. May this week be a blessed one to me, and one long to be remembered. I think God in His mercy hath decreed this for me. He ordered all my goings and comings and I trust He will perfect His work concerning me in mercy and in rightousness. 0, my God, keep me under the shadows of Thy wing and give me to praise and honor nee. 30. At Esq. Little's, 9 o'clock in my bedroom. I have now spent two days and a half here - and find myself comfortably and profitably situated, for which I would be very grateful to Him who has prepared this place for me and brought me to it. In His plan concerning me, this was decreed long years ago, and what should be the event thereof - now the time has come - it is now to me, but it is not now to my God. He for wise reasons, orders all things in His own way and time. I like very well - find Mrs. L. a very kind, pleasant woman. This afternoon was favored with a call from Laura B, and Harriet and Sophia. Mrs. L. kindly proposed that I should walk with them if I wished, which I accordingly did, but I am afraid it was longer than it should have been. However it cannot now be helped, but I will be more careful in future and I will endeavor to make up every lost moment. I wish them to have every reason to be satisfied with me and I wish to be kept in the just and right way. I pray God help me therein and give me favor in the eyes of my employers. To His care I commit myself, this night and pray that all my friends may be kept in security, peace, and happiness. Tomorrow may I do better then this day and may my mind become enlarged and may my soul filled with the love of God. 3 1 st. Have just returned from a small exhibition at the Acad. Declamatur comp. the gents. - comp. from ladies. Heard out brother W. declaim - thought he performed admirably equal to what I expected from his low tones and natural bashfulness. Also heard cousin Stuart read comp. But last and best was a short address from Mr. D. which I would fain imprint upon my heart in everlasting characters. Here I have only room to state the five indispensables to make home happy, vis. Good Nature, Forbearance, Gentleness, Disinterestedness, and Communicativeness. He had not time to communicate more - but these are more I fear than I always practice. I wish to keep his address constantly in remembrance. Was kindly attended home by H., S., cousin S. and W. It is now 10, and I must hasten to bed, or I shall not be able to fulfill all my resolutions. 0, it almost makes me unhappy that I cannot mingle with these scholars in all their enjoyments, but that is wicked. God knows best and to him I commit myself and my all. Nov. 5. - Still at Mr. Little's and enjoying myself well. A sigh truely heartfell may have been breathed this eve at that of past suffering, but these things have ceased to be sorrows and therefore not a tear shed on this anniversary. I am happier because 53 wiser and more reasonable then I was then. I thank God that those days are past. I sinned deeply at those times - I see it now, but I humbly ask God's grace to assist me in the way of reform, virtue, and holiness and beg forgiveness and acceptance at last thro' the merits of Christ. And I ask too that I may meet in Heaven all my friends - my beloved cousins, over whom I have wept many tears - 0, would that I might lead them to Jesus. 7th Change - change! 0, what a thing is it - when we revive the past. 14. Returned home - glad to greet my beloved mother - and all dear friends of home once more, tho'I have formed during these three weeks of absence, happy acquaintances - which will long be remembered. And I pray God bless all my dear friends, both here and there and the world over. They are many, whom I love - oh, may They be blessed here and may we meet in Heaven. 16. Dear Sister C has visited me this evening. I was delighted to see her after a three weeks absence. I am often afraid that I love that dear girl too well. Would that God would regulate my affections and keep my heart. I have been trying to think which of my many begun compositions I shall finish first. I have acquired a habit of procrastination, which I must rid myself of and I have so many pieces begun that I intend sometimes to finish, that I cannot set my mind closely upon any thing and I think it is a great injury to me. Nor, mean to let every new idea go, be it ever so good until I have drawn these old ones to a finale. Then, I think I can do something, and apply my mind to one subject more ardently. There are many that I shall commit to oblivion - others are short, but they may as well be finished as it will draw me into a good habit. First there is a "Retrospect" that needs two or three lines more, then "I am The", which was written, save the sorry close a long time ago. Then the "Visit to Herschel" - "Cupid's Revenge", "The dying girl's Farewell" - "Harriet " - "Saviors of a househol " - etc., etc., all of which need a finale, and I think I shall finish them before attempting any long contemplated ones or even new and perhaps better ones. If I do not, perhaps I shall go on and [illegible], as I ought. It is a kind of task that I dread rather, but I cannot fix my mind deeply on anything else till I do. 17. Yesterday C. H. on her dying bed acknowledged her love for Christ, by publically joining herself to his people. The scene was impressive and solemn. It reminded us of dear P. who of the same cruel disease about two months since laid down in the dust to await the resurrection morning, not one week after having united with the people of God. C. is also apparently very near her end, but I trust she is prepared for it. Of those five friends, only two are now in life and health. E. has long since entered "the mansions of the blest" - P. is there soon C. will also be there. H. and L. will soon be left alone. 0, may these affecting deaths of their youthful friends be a lasting benefit to them and may they be reunited in Heaven. 18. - I have long been contemplating a new poem - the first ideas of which were suggested by reading Paradise Lost ' 25 but I feel incompetent to the task. Besides I have so many unfinished things that I could not devote all my powers to it as I should wish. I think if these cares would allow me to enter heart and soul into the subject which I have contemplated, I might make it useful - at leas , to mysel Much as I have written I feel condemned and ashamed that I have never produced anything good and dee cribblings of years p, as others who write. When I pen the s past, I think I will throw all in the fire and never take up my pen again, but I so love 54 it and find it such a relief sometimes that I know not how to give it up. What I have preserved is not worth anything and I am resolved to throw them to oblivion, except some few that serve as remembrances of events gone by - some trivial affair, or pleasant idea that protruded on my mind "long, long ago." But these are foolish, weak things and I feel that I have done wrong in giving what few ideas I have, no higher scope. I rnight have done good to others, but now only myself am profited and yet not so much as I might have been. But I would this and every other concern with my God, my kind Heavenly Father who "knoweth what things I have need of, before I ask him.,,26 0, that He would enable my thoughts and feelings and exalt my every motive and enable me to do good in the world. 26. - Just returned from the funeral of Clara Hodgkins. At last, her sorrows are ended and I trust she is now one of the redeemed, in white, singing praises before the throne of Him who redeemed her with His blood. 0, that this call may be heeded by us all to whom it is spoken - may we be prepared for that hour which must come, when it shall be said - "They are dead,'27 - and may it too be said "They died in Jesus. [THE REMAINDER OF THIS PAGE IS TORN AND MISSING] 28. Spent the evening very pleasantly in a small party at Mr. W's - in honor of our friend Sydney's return - The eve was not remarkably pleasant but as I was very anxious to go and M. and L. offered me [THE REMAINDER OF THIS PAGE IS MISSING] [THIS IS A CONTINUATION FROM A PREVIOUS PAGE. THE DATE MAY OR MAY NOT BE THE SAME, THE ENTRY BEGINS IN MID SENTENCE] removal there from the old house and a little retrospection shows me that this is the fourth anniversary of that day. It hardly seems possible that four years have passed away since - yet too, it seems long. Great changes have occured since then and many new things have come to pass. Let me see - I spent the eve of that day in a little party of friends - and now let me see if I can remember them. I have forgotten many but some I remember. There was Miss Waty V. and her intended - Mr. Davis whom to-day I saw slyly place his publishment in his pocket and who are soon to be married. Then there was Eliza D. Then, I believe, engaged - now a short time married to a Mr. Greenleaf. Her brother and intended, Mary A. now two years married. Ann Parker and Mr. V. have since then effected a reconciliation - and now married and have a bright eyed daughter, the picture of her pretty mother, more than two years old. Henry A. Jackson, since dead - also Elizabeth Shaw whom I believe went there. Others whose situation then I knew not and still others whom I have forgotten were there and made up a joyful band. Change has not passed on all equally, tho'probably all are changed in some respects. My dear friend. A.E.J. was there - she is now far away - others too are far distant - Judith J., Charles G., John D. etc., etc. Lucretia V. who had then no thought of marriage, was also there - now married, tho'her husband had then a wife, who I presume has not thought of death. Well - 'tis over so Time presses on - Age comes apace - will soon be here and change must be ever on the wing. L. and M. have just called on me - giving me an account of their to-day's experience at school - the first, under the care of Mr. W. Their account is rather amusing and seems somewhat new for "this place." 3.. Grandpa came to convey us to his house to spend Thanksgiving. We were not 55. I expecting to go so soon, but I was willing to come, notwithstanding I wished to spend the coming festival with C. as last year we were separated, but I feel as if in coming here I act in accordance with duty. 5th A.M. I have been reading a piece about unmarried ladies - some of which I do not exactly agree with, however a part of it I will transcribe. "We know of no situation more unpleasant than that of a maiden lady, on the down-hill of life; whose parents have long since passed away, leaving her in poverty; with nobody to love and take care of her. Like a solitary tree she remains to buffet the tempests and storms of life. x x x x Women who have passed the meridian of life in useful deeds and acts of kindness - who are everything we could ask of woman, situated as they have been, must not be left to suffer. If they have stepped aside to let their companions obtain husbands which by a few arts and exceptions they might have been fortunate enough to secure, how kindly should they be treated. It is not the most worthy of the female sex, who first secure partners, far from it. Men, now a days are such consummate fools, that they are carried away by a beautiful face, when vanity is all that such creatures can boast of. They do not look to the heart - they do not study the character - but fine feathers make fine birds with them and the very best of the fair sex; the sterling and the true, are left to linger in single blessedness. But this is not all. They are neglected when they grow old. This must not be."28 Etc., etc. Well, now for the comment. In the first place I do not think an unmarried the most "unpleasant" life in the world, nor can I form any idea of a being who can find nothing to love. To be sure we must love something that loves us, to be happy therein, but if nobody loves us, we may be sure that it must be for some hidden reason in ourselves and let us set ourselves to seek it out and make our own hearts more lovely and loveable. If we have a mind, I think the most unworthy of our sex may call forth some loveable qualities - worthy of somebody's regard. If not if we cannot gain the affections of anything, we can be happy in loving the beautiful inanimate objects of nature - the sciences, the arts, o, and a thousand lovely things - the world is full of lovely things, and one that is not full of her own sweet self cannot fail of being drawn into an affection for something. And when we are lost in love and admiration of any object we forget ourselves and then is it that we are most happy. Therefore unhappy maiden, whoever thou art set about loving something - no matter what, provided it be worthy of attention. Fling to the winds all the last of "blues" that are ever ready and waiting to settle upon the heads and hearts of those who are silly enough to submit to their tyrannic dominion." "And in saying this Miss Anne I hope you will succeed in forcing it upon your own mind, for none are more subject to the persections of the blues and if I am not mistaken, you sometimes yield to them." Methinks I hear some truthful spirit whispering thus in my own ear and knowing its truth, I submit to it. But none can feel more than myself the need of resisting feelings of despondence. And moreove, I think they may be killed in time, at least in a measure, and I think I shall be able to do so by continuous striving. At any rate I can try. I suppose it is needless for one who has so nearly taken the vows of celibacy to write down means of governing a husband or thoughts relating to a married life, but a good word may sometime or other come in use - perhaps my constant Clara may prove truant and then I can give her a word of wisdom - to pay for leaving me "unloved and alone," to travel down the descent of life. "The more a woman studies and endeavors to gratify the wishes of her husband, the more he will seek, and meet hers; the more she submits, the more she confides, the more completely and unreservedly she resigns herself to him, the more he win respect her, love her, please her, and protect her. Wives, remember the words of 56 that adored volume, which is all wisdom and all truth - "submit yourselves unto your own husbands'."29 Eve. I suppose about this time my friends at home are preparing for their pic-nic. C., H., and L. are perhaps already dressed and about setting out, or perhaps they are not going, but are just drawing up around a social fire to sing and chat and read and laugh alone. 0, how I wish I could be there. Perhaps however L. and E. are there and they are all talking and laughing so happily as never to think of L. It is later now - I fancy I can see C. at Mr. L's, very demurely poking fun at a young gentleman," notwithstanding her "flirting" propensities, in running away from him or making queer speeches just like herself. Perhaps there are no particular "young gentlemen" there - well, I can see our friend "Syd- said" engrossing all her attention to himself and stealing all those gentle words and sweet smiles that are so endearing and bewitching. It is well I am not there to interrupt them or be jealous - not of her but of him. I can see H. there too - talking with Lida - and W. with S.A. flying round and saying she never should have thought of talking to him if he had not persuaded her and L. I do not know what she is doing, unless she and E.R. are sitting listlessly on the other side of the room. I can see C. now very amiably entertaining Mr. B. and Mr. W. and I expect they are thinking she is just the best girl they ever saw, and they show their good sense in thinking so. Then I can see Rebecca and Lottie and Lucretia and Elisa - only perhaps the last two are not there - I almost wish I was there too. I wonder where all the rest of my friends are - where are C. and J. R. ? M.E.W.? Miss Purrington? And where is Mrs. W, last year at this time Miss Bailey? And where is my dear Anne E. at this time? I dare say she is thinking of her Anna L. as well as many other absent friends. Would that I could see her and spend the night with her. It has not seemed like Thanksgiving day to-day and I feel it has not been a day of more gratitude than usual, notwithstanding all the innumerable blessings that have crowned the past year. What a world of mercies has been showered upon me, ungrateful and vile creature that I am! And how have I repaid the ever bounteous Author of my existence and happiness? With ingratitude, neglect, rebellion and repinning, and love of the ways of sin. And yet the blessed Jesus, ever blessed and ever blessing, is graciously interceding with the Father to spare yet a little the barren tree - till He shall dig about it, chop off the branches and prune it and see if it will not yet bear fruit. Then at last I may be received to the heavenly garden of souls. And the afflictions which I deem so grievous are His gracious prunnings around the barren fig-tree and I blindly and wickedly repine at those very things that are intended to nurture me for Heaven. 0, my God bring me to thy will, hold me with this arm of [illegible], keep my foot from slipping and my tongue from guile and prepare me while in life for death. May I spend fife in Thy service and at death meet thee in peace. "Humble yourself in the sight of the Lord and He shall lift you up." 30 7. - I have been reading an obituary of Mrs. Sprague - a sister-in-law of Aunt M.C. It says "she was ever the same - calm, benignant, self-controlled, and disinterested, - taking no thought for herself, but anxiously caring for others, and putting forth all her strength for their benefit. She bore the ills of life with more then common fortitude - with Christian fairness and resignation, and what is often, still more difficult, she bore prosperity without the slighest diminution of mildness, patience, and humility. Never was there perceptible, even to her own family, a single emotion of envy, resentment, or any evil passion. Sincerity that never changed, truth that knew no veil, and native, unaffected delicacy were a part of her being. Hers was not the wisdom of words - but the pure 57 and steady light of kindly affections, - of a meek and quiet spirit, and generous self - devotion. Ever assiduously endeavoring to promote the welfare of others, she demanded nothing for herself. Unwilling that any should be subject to inconvenience for her, she received those attentions and marks of affection, which fell far short of a requital for her own - not as her due, but as acts of uncertained beneficence." What a lovely picture! Who would not love such a model? Yet how few such do we find. Eve. Yesterday P.M. notwithstanding the weather was rather threatening, as I had intended visiting our cousin's Mr. N's, Aunt and Mother seemed to advise me to go, so about three o'clock I sat out intending to visit at uncle J's So I took the usual route up over the hill across the fields and in good time arrived there - stopped but a moment however, just to tell them that I would meet Mother and Aunt in the evening, there. Well, away from there I proceeded across the long sideling fields and pastures at the foot of the mountain, or rather upon its side. At length after rather a tiresome walk, I reached cousin N's, where I met quite unexpectedly cousin Miranda, and right glad was I to see her - as well as all the rest - they seem so very near, because so dear to my sainted father. After a while cousins H. and N. came in from a tour in the woods, and kindly welcomed me with their accustomed open-heartedness. I was not expecting to see them all at home so of course was again agreeably disappointed. It was rather dark and very stormy in the evening, when I had prolonged my visit to its intended length, so that it did not seem quite suitable to go out and as my friends strenuously opposed it, I concluded to stop, though I thought Ma would look anxiously for me, but they finally overruled all objections as well as fears - pretending they knew best. After tea, cousins J. and H. entertained us with singing - some amusing songs and favorite pieces. It seemed quite natural to hear their musical voices once more. After singing a good portion of the evening, we gathered around the fire and after prayers, enjoyed a pleasant chat for an hour. Cousin M. amused us with proposing matches - such as cousin J. and L.D. - H. and N. - W.D. and little cousin L., etc., etc. Cousin C. then interrupted that with a funny little story, but one idea she would not quite let us into, which was rather a puzzle to us, but let that go now. After that we chatted of long past days - and recalled to view little occurances of a few winters past. Once in the eve, a certain little party was referred to by one of the circle and a little anecdote in some connection therewith was promised me at some future time, which I afterwards received, and was quite amused, and do not wonder that my cousin feels as he does concerning this little laughable thing. It was past 11 when M. and myself retired to rest, after spending a very pleasant evening, as I usually do when there. It seemed more like Thanksgiving, much than the evening before. Cousin H. and J. remarked that had they known of my near vicinity they would have called over as they too were alone. I should have been so glad to see an old acquaintance, Thanksgiving eve it would have been very pleasant. This morning after a few hours pleasant chat I began to think about home tho' so pleasant had been my visit, that I was in no haste to leave on that account. It was snowing but as cousin N. had anticipated a ride on this road this A.M. it was settled that I should ride with him. He did not however, so cousin J harnessed a horse and sleigh and gave me a pleasant ride home. Tho' it rained a little, but not to spoil the sleighing. The first sleighride I have had this year. Arrived at Grand Pa's, they asked if I had enjoyed a pleasant visit - told them, yes, but was almost sorry that I had been, which made them rather stare. However, they soon discovered the drift - because the visit was so good that I wanted it yet to come. I always have a good visit there. They are very kind to welcome so cordially the unworthy, unlovely child of their - I am sure - beloved departed friend and 58 I cousin. He loved them and I believe his affectionate regard was cordially returned and now they seemingly bestow his due - at least - a part upon his child, for his sake and for his sake I will love them - as well as for their own, for which one cannot help loving them. 9.- This eve, with Aunt E. called on Mrs. Lucretia Yerrill, formerly Miss V. She has been married about three weeks - - looks quite matronly in her new home. Her sister L. was there - also cousin J. We stopped but a little while and when we returned, Mr. Y. and wife and her sister came along with us to spend the eve at Mr. D.'s. Cousin L. gave me a partial description of the Pic-nic, which she attended. Was glad to hear that C. and her sisters did not attend - also glad that all others did. It was best as to be. I am glad also that I was not at home to spend the evening with C. because thereby each of us might have been blamed and accused of "opposing which is farthest from our wishes. 11. - Returned home. On our way I had occasion to call at cousin Y's. Saw J. who sent love to all the girls - especially L. I fancied he meant to remind me of a certain conversation that once passed between us, or rather of the subject of that confab. I had no time to tell him I would carry it over the fields if he wished it particularly, just to hear his sage reply, but it is well perhaps. 12. - I fear that I am becoming so ungenerous and debased as to rejoice secretly at the downfall of those who have once injured me! It is what I have ever tried to guard against, but alas! I fear! I fear! I cannot keep myse - but - God can keep me and I earnestly pray that he do so. I wish not to rejoice in their calamity, but to remember them good for their evil. I know that in their sorrows I have sincerely wept for them and earnestly endeavored to assist and console them by all means in my power, but I cannot but wonder and, shall I say admire - the hand of God in many things, vie in causing me to see the measure which they metered, measured to them again. First, one of the sisters when forsaken of one who was very dear to her - dearer than any were ever to me, notwithstanding her imputations when she was plunged in sorrow because thereof, for what else was she directed to come to me with all her grief - to lay open her heart's most hidden secrets and impart to me alone the bitterness of her soul? When spoken against, whether falsely or truthfully I do not say - for what else came she to me? Why did she repeat to me all - why was I her most secret confidant? Did herself know? Ah, she did not think, that she was showing how she had fallen in the trap she placed for her once too foolish, trusting cousin? When her sister wept bitter tears for the unworthyness of a trusted friend, to whom came she with her woe - in her tears - for assistance, for counsel and consolation? It was to one whom she had spoken against - injured and whose character she had trampled on as a costless thing. Ah,! little thought she then, that the exhibition of her weakess folly and bitterness of soul was but a stronger portion of the cup she once sought to fill for her now truthfull confidant. The things which she unkindly and bitterly had labored to publish against her friend fell with truth and force upon herself - in her own case proved avowedly true - and to whom did she unfold it all? It was to me who could - who did see that "such measure as ye meter shall be measured to you again.-31 And verily it was so. And now the things of which she accused me, unjustly, she has been secretly culpable in herself and tho'it concerned not me why was I chosen to hear the truthful story from her who could see and who despised such behavior! Why - but to show to the aggrieved orphan that her wrongs shall not go unrecompensed! Yet I would not rejoice but pray to be 59 kept in the right way - the way of holy truthfulness and gentle virtue. 13. - Favored with a visit from Clara, Harriet, William, and Sophia. Of course was right glad to see them and of course had a delightful visit. Perhaps they would ask why but they do not know by exerience the "loneliness of a brotherless and sisterless heart," and therefore cannot be expected to understand all the feelings of such a one. 16. - "Bring all thy tithes into the storehouse and prove me now therewith, and if I will not pour you out a blessing that there shall not be room to receive it.,,32 21. - Was very agreeable surprised by a visit from cousin C.R. this A.M. This P.M. about 3 o'clock the idea of an evening visit at his father's came into his creative imagination. So off we sat immediately - arrived there between 4 & 5 - having rode about 6 or 7 miles. Found cousin P. not at home and I had not returned, for which we were rather sorry - but however, after looking out a great many times for them I saw P. coming - and with her - cousin J-'s pretty little French girl - M. T. whom of course was very glad to meet after vainly wishing a whole year to see her. I think she is really quite pretty and reminds in manner somewhat of Clara. So of course I was prepossessed in her favor. How I should like her on a closer acquaintance I cannot tell - think however my cousin's account may be correct. A short time after P's arrival, cousin J. came from his school - Was much gratified to see him again - and was interested and amused at a rehersal of some of his adventures since I last saw him. He has taught one school and commenced another - likes very well, and gets along very well I believe. I think he will yet make an excellent teacher notwithstanding various untoward events. Heard to-day for the first time of A. B.'s marriage which took place on Thanksgiving Eve. Miss H. being bride. Cousin I officiated as groomsman, of course, and Miss M.T. as bridesmaid. So his home companion has formed a dearer friendship even than that of so many years existing between them. I should think it would cause J. some unpleasant feelings. I wonder how I should feel if Clara were to be married! However, man does not feel so intensely as woman on any subject - and I know that of all my sex I yield most entirely to feelings - and I do not know but I ought to be ashamed of it. But I cannot help it. I would if I could. I would not love so entirely, devotedly, even C. - if I could help it. Nobody loves me one half as well as I love, and it only makes me unhappy. Tis foolish and vain to love so much better than I am loved, and how shall I do otherwise? 0, 1 can only try. Try Not to love - Clara - my cousins etc - etc - What a preposterous idea! Well - Home we came Calvin and I - about 10 o'clock. At least we reached home about 10. And now invoking numberless blessings upon these beloved ones I must leave them and retire to rest. 23. - Have been into school to-day - had a very pleasant time, tho' it seems not much as days of yore. A company of twelve had planned a visit there this P.M. but on account of the min none of them came, except W. 25. - Spent the eve at Mr. J. Washburn's at the Sewing Circle - the first at which I have been present for nearly three months. Of course I enjoyed myself pretty well for C. was there - and we read a part of the time - in "Female Quixotism, or history of Dorcasina Sheldon.- 33 A story pretended to be fact - and against novel - reading but it is a perfect novel itself, notwithstanding. Our cousin Franklin who has lately returned home, was there - and a certain 60 Courtesy of BY MONA ANN ERVIN (c) 1992 and the Androscoggin Historical Society (c)1998 * * * * NOTICE: Printing the files within by non-commercial individuals and libraries is encouraged, as long as all notices and submitter information is included. Any other use, including copying files to other sites requires permission from the submitters PRIOR to uploading to any other sites. 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