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June 13, 1918

The Kaiser's Talk With Hell

The Kaiser called the Devil up
On the telephone one day
The girl at central listened to
All they had to say.
"Hello" she heard the Kaiser's voice,
"Is old man Satan home?
Just tell him this is Kaiser Bill
That wants him on the phone."
The Devil said, "Hello" to Bill
And Bill said, "How are you?
I'm running here a hell on earth,
So tell me what to do."
"What can I do" the Devil said,
"My dear old Kaiser Bill?
If there's a thing that I can do
To help you, I sure will."
The Kaiser said, "Now listen,
And I will try to tell
The way that I am running
On earth a modern Hell."
"I've saved for this for many years,
And I've started to kill,
That it will be a modern job,
You leave to Kaiser Bill.
My army went through Belgium,
Shooting women and children down.
We tore up all her country,
And blew up all her towns.
My zepps dropped bombs on cities,
Killing both the old and young,
And those the zeppelins didn't get
Were taken out and hung.
I started out for Paris,
With the air of poisonout gas;
The Belgians, darn 'em, stopped us;
And would not let us pass.
My submarines are Devils,
Why, you should see them fight,
They go sneaking through the sea;
And sink a ship at sight.
I was running things to suit me
'Til a year or so ago,
When a man named Woodrow Wilson
Wrote to me to go more slow,
He said to me, 'Dear William,
We don't want to make you sore,
So be sure to tell your U-boats
To sink our ships no more.
We have told you for the last time,
So, Dear Bill, it's up to you,
And if you do not stop it,
You have to to fight us, too.
I did not listen to him,
And he's coming after me,
With a million Yankee Soldiers
>From their homes across the sea.
Now that is why I called you, Satan,
For I want advice from you,
I knew that you would tell me
Just what I ought to do."
"My dear old Kaiser William,
There's not much for me to tell
For the Yanks will make it hotter
Than I can for you in Hell.
I've been a mean old Devil,
But not half as mean as you,
And the minute that you get here
I will give my job to you.
I'll be ready for your coming
And I'll keep the fires all bright,
And I'll have your room all ready
When the Yanks begin to fight,
For the Boys in Blue will get you
I have nothing more to tell,
Hang up the phone and get your hat,
And meet me in Hell."

>From The Sheridan Revielle, Montgomery, Ala.
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