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The Kaiser's Talk to Hell

The Kaiser called the Devil up
On the telephone one day.
The girl at central listened in
To all they had to say.

"Hello" she heard the Kaiser's voice,
"Is Old Man Satan home?
Just tell him it is Kaiser Bill
That wants him on the phone."

The Devil said, "Hello," to Bill,
And Bill said, "how are you?
I'm running here a hell on earth,
So tell me what to do."

"What can I do," the Devil said,
"My dear old Kaiser Bill,
If there's a thing that I can do
To help you, I sure will."

The Kaiser said, "Now listen
And I will try to tell
The way that I am running
On earth a modern hell.

I've saved for this for many years,
And I've started out to kill,
That will be a modern job
You leave to Kaiser Bill.

My army went through Belgium
Shooting women and children down
We tore up all her country,
And plowed up all her towns.

My Zepps dropped bombs on cities,
Killing both the old and the young,
And those the Zeppelins didn't get
Were taken out and hung.

I started out for Paris,
With the aid of poisonous gas,
The Belgians, darn them, stopped us
And would not let us pass.

My submarines are devils,
Why, you should see them fight.
They go sneaking through the sea,
And will sink a ship at night.

I was running things to suit me
'Till a year or so ago,
When a man named Woodrow Wilson
Wrote me to go more slow.

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